February 15, 2004 8:10 PM

These days have been long, unlabored. Did a number of things and none of them hurt. I've been sleeping when I need. Listening to Suicide. Joy Division. Eating the most incredible omelet. I order the same thing every time I go there and it's always splendid. The waiters and cook recognize me. I fell when I walked up the stairs and laughed and laughed.

Lately I've working to dismantle my figure of love. There's no point in misleading myself, or mourning a fictitious object. I'm not sure what I expect out of it, though I've never needed reasons to seek it, even in people where it won't and can't grow. I don't understand why my body needs reciprocity. I should be allowed to love down a one-way street. What are lovers but friends that share beds. And don't worry darling, I have two.

What to do, what to do.

Oh yes, I forgot to mention. This morning I had the very weird experience of dreaming of, after some effort, falling asleep, but was (really) jolted awake at 7:00 AM. Yes, confusion.