March 6, 2004 11:20 PM

Ever since that party I've begun to reexamine why I don't drink. I'm not sure if I know anymore, I've maintained this orthodox sobriety for so long I haven't really needed to. Every time I consider it, I treat it as a compromise simply to suite others. Alcohol is the social equalizer -- everyone gets equally stupid so they can talk to each other. I think it's a lazy and circuitous way of being social, something fraudulent.

But then again, since when has honesty been the precedence of relationships. Partly how we get along is we defer our differences.

I guess I just don't like the thought of placing my faith in a $3 plastic cup.

No matter how I psychologize it, if I drink I'm still drinking, and I don't feel better in justifying it. My refusal is also a way to maintain my preeminence over the entire idea, even if it's equally just arrogant ambivalence.

This is by no means melancholic. Lately when I've said I'm "pretty good" in response to "how are you?"s, I've genuinely meant it. I'm just bored and avoiding doing schoolwork.

And shit, if I ever throw a party, I'm putting on New Pornographers. Why didn't I ever think of that before.