April 19, 2004 10:27 PM

My mom told me of a massive renovation going on at home; walls to be felled, a story erected, large sums of money to be shuffled and costs tallied. It is some project.

And I was sad. Without notice, it invoked the thought that I'm irrevocably in debt to them.

I am apologetic, stabbed with guilt for grief I incited and shit I pulled, two decades -fold. And this isn't counting the shit I will pull, or what I won't be. They invested things completely unfathomable to me, into me. Practiced a constancy of work and ethic which I'll never be capable of. And for what: my drama, my "turmoil", my inanity. For my going nowhere, doing nothing, being nothing. Stock bought, money lost.

What an absolute fucking shame.