May 30, 2008 11:27 PM

It's strange to think about, but I think I'm seeing more clearly how I'm a very ideological person

In that, there is a very strong belief behind much of what I do, or I perceive that there is always a reason behind what people do or what happens, even for what seems subconscious or natural, and that it can be mimicked, explored, or revised

Often times I feel that, for this reason, what comes out of me is not necessarily graceful or eloquent, but is very small and terse and impenetrable and developed over time, or of the most ephemeral logic

I think this is why my songs are so short, with so few repetitions and words

Or why I empathize with jazz drummers, who articulate beat to beat, who see every strike of the drum with the potential to be new

Or why I like afrobeat so much (massive, energetic sound masses, fractals of ideas playing off ideas)

Or maybe why I have trouble opening up to people, or people might think I'm stand-offish or unfriendly

My ideological sense also has a somewhat negative effect, too

I feel that there's a certain vigor and sternness to how I approach things, which occasionally verges on fascistic

By fascistic, I mean that when one perceives the world as moving exactly according to their ordering of it, it stifles the vitality of experiences, and the experiences of others

This can happen in many ways

I make bad judgements on people

My music sometimes is scary to me

I get lost real deep

I get hurt and confused very intensely

Not necessarily because the world did me wrong but because I thought the world was a certain way, and it actually wasn't

When it happens at its worst, creativity has passed and the world is an expired mass because I have refused it


I guess the ideal is to be incredibly dynamic, composed completely within your imagination, be able to maintain stability amidst the free floating particles, you as certain but transformable costellations across a blossoming field of stars

Don't be so dire

So serious

Have some fun

Things go wrong, it happens sometimes, you have to learn from it and move on