April 23, 2006 12:35 AM

I'm currently working towards becoming the world record holder in misinterpretations. It's an unusual hobby, I admit, but I feel that its esoteric nature can only serve to further distinguish myself and my legacy. Perhaps the nicest thing about it is you can do it alone, and is in fact most effacious when you keep yourself generally that way, as well. Over time I've learned a number of tricks to most assertively misinterprete, and I'd like to share a few to get those interested started. I believe the required skills are latent in all of us, and simply need refinement:

- Reality is answerable to your imagination.

- Exhaustion accentuates the truth.

- Look on the Internet for evidence.

- Relax when cornered by philosophical paradoxes, and disgard the original problem ("if I don't know what onions taste like, how can I think about them?" -- and ignore them).

- Invent, pick out, or miscontextualize your despair.

- Read a person's eyes rather than listen to their answer.

These are only a few of many tactics one can take to increase your rate of "mis-takes." Unfortunately, no community (academic or enthusiast) has yet found a way to quantify, and thus credit, such progress. However, I'm fairly sure that I currently lead in this endeavor; I count 13 to 25 significant and discernable misinterpretations executed by myself on a daily basis, over the last 12 years of my life. Although others' skills may eventually develop beyond mine, this record should provide me with due credit, as the basis for all like endeavors in the future.